FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Dragon's Dogma for PC

Alright, so I downloaded Dragon's Dogma: Dark Arisen for PC the other night, and oh my fucking god have I never hated a game so much just from the tutorial and character creator.

It took me about an hour to enter my name in Dragon's Dogma (or "Dogma," as I will be calling it for the rest of this post). Want to know why? Well, probably because whoever shitheadded developer made the game decided to make the ENTER key and the BACK key do the SAME FUCKING THING. Now, normally, I don't get bothered by the little things like this. But I was trying to enter my name for what felt like an eternity. It was awful, and for that alone, I want do uninstall this game.

It's unconventional to start a "first impressions" type article with something as insignificant and stupid as this, but it is also stupid to make the ENTER and BACK keys do the same fucking thing, so I rest my case.

The beginning moments of the game, before the character creator incident, struck me as unoriginal and boring, to be brutally honest. You start out in the heat of a battle (or, well, right before one) as some random dude, the Arisen. You're accompanied by a mouthy little twat whose name escapes me. But he is your "Pawn" which, from what I understand about the game, is your CPU-controlled party member. Dogma makes extensive use of the pawns throughout the games, letting you create your own to level up and take with you throughout the game as well as allowing you to download other player's pawns to use to your advantage. On paper and in practice, I am sure this is an interesting feature. But in the first five minutes of the game, it is ill-explained and down right annoying.

Here I am, the Arisen himself, with a babbling lunatic telling me not to step somewhere because I will fall. That isn't helpful, it's confusing. A few minutes in and I got two more pawns added to my party. They weren't special, they were just random pawns the game generated I believe. But oh god were they stupider than the first guy. They all fight on their own and have their own little quitty whips to say to you about the environment and enemies you're fighting. At first I thought the concept was kind of neat. I had to do less observation about my surroundings and get into the meat of the game, but then I started hearing the pawns say the same shit over and over again.

Once the combat started, I thought that I would finally start to like the game. Nope. The combat just didn't feel satisfying. Each stab and slice felt worthless and hollow. I like action games to have good combat, and I thought that the combat would be at least serviceable given the amount of people who actually praise the it. But nah. It was stupid. I felt like I was driving a hot knife through butter, as there was no "oomph" when striking enemies.

Playing the game past the tutorial and character creator didn't make me feel much better. The game just doesn't hook me in like I hoped it would. It doesn't feel right and is missing mechanics and "feelings" that a game like this should have. I will do my best for now to play a bit more of the game before uninstalling it, but honestly, I don't have high hopes.

Final thoughts:
  • Why is there no "dodge" button?
  • Why does my character run so fast?
  • Why do I die the second I touch the water?
  • Why did that dragon just slurp out my wee heart?
  • What is the deal with these boring textures?
  • Why can't I lock on to enemies?
  • Why didn't the game accept my memey name?

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